My Traditional In-Laws Say We’re Not Carrying on the “Family Legacy.” But We Have Daughters.

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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband, “Wade,” and I are Chinese-American. My family has been in the U.S. for generations, while he is the first of his family to be born here. Wade and I have two daughters, ages 2 and 4, whom we adore. The problem is my very traditional in-laws, who are applying pressure to us to try again to have a son. Wade thinks we should just grey rock their attempts to convince us to have another child for the sake of carrying on the family legacy—i.e., let them waste their breath. But I worry about our girls as they get older and are better able to understand the meaning behind their grandparents’ constant harping on this. I fear they’ll think their grandparents love them less than they would if they were boys; I don’t want them to feel inferior because of their gender. What’s a good way of dealing with this without offending my in-laws?

—The Old Beliefs Should Have Stayed in the Old World

Dear Beliefs.

I’ll admit, if I were you, I would be honest with them—I think you can do that without offending them. You and your husband might tell them that you’re very happy with your two children and have no plans for a third. You can do this without getting in the weeds about sons versus daughters (and if they say—and they will say!—“But you don’t have a son! You must have a son!”, my advice would be to repeat what you’ve just said, and to do so as many times as necessary, without engaging with what they see as the “real” issue). You are not going to change them, and only they can decide to leave “the old beliefs” behind: You can’t make them. I would further urge you to speak frankly with them about your concern that if they continue to talk about this in the presence of your daughters, it will hurt them and harm their relationship with them. Tell your in-laws they are not to bring this up when their grandchildren are present—period. Tell them you do not wish for your children, who love and value their grandparents, to come to believe that their grandparents don’t love and value them.

If you and your husband cannot bring yourselves to tell his parents that you have no desire to have another child—even without breaking the news that you couldn’t care less about providing the son they so desperately want you to have—I’m not against your husband’s plan of letting them waste their breath and paying them no nevermind. But even if you go that route, somehow managing to spend the next 10 to 20 years making noncommittal noises or changing the subject every time they bring up the importance of your bringing a boy into the world, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak up about the well-being of your (actual) children. You must still tell them how important it is to you that they not speak of this in your daughters’ presence, and explain why. If they continue to do it anyway, gather your daughters and leave the room. (When you’re next alone with their grandparents, repeat yourself again: This is not acceptable. This may inspire them to tell you, yet again, how crucial it is that you provide them a grandson. If you are determined to keep this charade going, you might say, “Yes, I know, but I must tell you that the repetition of your deep desire for one is not going to make him come along any faster.”)

And more important than any of this: Make sure your daughters know that they are loved and valued, that you and their father treasure them exactly as they are.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son “Oliver” is 2 ½ years old and going through potty training. We got him some books on the subject and have shown him some videos to help encourage him. The problem is that he has become fixated on the topic. Now everything is about where pee and poop come from, where it’s supposed to go, how it’s something every living creature does, etc. He will initiate these conversations with perfect strangers when we are out; last week, we were at a restaurant when my husband needed to take him to the men’s room. Oliver came running back excitedly to the table and shouted, “I went pee-pee in the potty!” in front of everyone. I realize this is a phase, but I find it terribly embarrassing. Is there any way I can teach him discretion without inhibiting his progress?

—Pooped by All the Poop Talk

Dear Poop Talk,

I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you’re going to have to get over this. You have a toddler! He’s excited about pee and poop and fascinated by everything he’s learned about it (and the whole process of food-to-waste-product really is kind of amazing, if you think about it, no? Oh, right, I forgot: You do not want to think about it). When kids are excited and fascinated by a subject, they want to talk about it. To everyone. Just you wait until he gets to the all-dinosaurs-all-the-time phase.

I say let him. It’s your embarrassment you need to get to work on—or, rather, your dread of being embarrassed. What’s so awful about a little embarrassment? (Or, an even better question: What is it exactly that there is to be so embarrassed about?) The appropriate response to his proud announcement was, “Well done! Good job!”, not, “Shhh!” And if he poop-chats up a stranger in the grocery store, and that stranger seems taken aback/distressed instead of amused or even just politely tolerant (recognizing that the person trying earnestly to engage them in a discussion of excrement’s amazing journey isn’t even 3 years old), you can always say, “Ah, well, potty training!” as you sail past. If a toddler uses hate speech (picked up somewhere, just repeating it as children do), that’s one thing: It’s never too soon to teach a child not to be hateful, racist, bigoted, or cruel. But teaching a toddler to be discreet is not only a losing battle, it’s also an effective way of teaching him that his exuberance is something for him to be ashamed of.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am a married man of many years. In my youth, I had a number of hot rods and have always been a car guy. I had a successful career and now have a net worth of $2 million, and the only debt we have is a small mortgage. There is a particular sports car I would like to purchase that is not expensive. My wife objects—she thinks I would look like an idiot driving this car at my age. All I want to do with it is take it to local car shows and cars-and-coffee meetups—that sort of thing. Is it all right for me to buy it anyway?

—Or Is She Right?

Dear Or Is She,

Does it matter if she’s right or wrong? The question is whether you care if you look like an “idiot,” in your wife’s words. (I’m not weighing in—I have no opinion on this matter. I don’t care enough about cars—or even know enough about cars—to make a judgment about the person driving one.)

If you want this sports car and you can afford it, and it will give you pleasure and do no harm to anyone, it’s time to search your soul: If you fear you might look foolish in your new hot rod, and the thought of that is painful enough to diminish the pleasure you imagine owning it will bring you, then don’t take that chance. If you consider the possibility of being judged harshly—old man in a hot car, ha ha, poor fool—and it horrifies you, as I suppose it horrifies your wife, then you should probably stick to the sedan or SUV you usually drive. But if you don’t care what people think (and why should you?), go ahead and tell your wife that. And tell her she doesn’t have to (ever) sit in the passenger seat, to spare her what I assume is her fear of being looked at as the pathetic old fool’s poor, clueless wife.

—Michelle

More Advice From Slate

I am mom to a 7-month-old. We live in a pretty conservative area, and I work in a male-dominated industry. In fact, all of my co-workers are men who have or had stay-at-home wives. When I was pregnant, several of my co-workers did not expect me to come back to work. Though I told them we planned on using day care, I guess they assumed some maternal instinct would come over me and I’d quit. They said terrible things to me.